To be or not to be: Friends with an Ex. Does it depend on the person? Does it depend on the relationship? Will it hinder any future relationships? Does there have to be rules?
My answer will always be a hard NO. I do not believe you should be friends with an Ex. Cordial, sure. More friendly after quite some time passes, okay. But to be best friends or on a close level with an Ex to me is a red flag.
In my relationships I want to be on a deep level, deeper than any friendship. Things go wrong and you might not be the right fit for each other but I always have a love for anyone I have dated that does not just go away. Personally, I cannot move on if I am still in contact with an Ex. That chapter of my life is over, I take the good, learn from my mistakes and start focusing on me again. This is someone who you were intimate with for quite some time, it is hard for me to believe that anyone can totally just "be friends"...at least right away.
While I have always stuck to my no, I have tended to date guys...almost every time that were friends with there Ex. And not just friends -best friends. Did it irk me? Fuck yes. Did I go along with it? Yes. At the time I thought I like this guy, it's is fine. Wrong.
I have had 2 serious relationships and both were very close with an Ex. I remember always asking, Why?! "It's comfortable"; "We are like best friends now"; "We just know each other so well." Hmm was I buying it? Kinda. So, I went along with it. As expected from this dynamic there was always noticeable jealousy from the Ex towards me. This was both when we were physically present together and from stories/conversations I would hear. It made me uncomfortable and question what there "friendship" was really like. Was there anything sexual happening? Did the Ex hope to get back together to some extent? You never know and those thoughts can drive you crazy. With my most recent Ex especially, it drove a wedge between us, I felt like he chose the friendship over me. I was aware of comments made comparing me to a "Go-go boy" as well as trying to get him to work at the same place when things between us were starting to get serious. So yes, for me it does hinder future relationships.
From what I have learned, my advice is to be true to yourself. If you don't believe in being friends with your Ex, don't do it. If it brings you joy, do it. More importantly don't date someone and try to be okay with circumstances that you are not okay with. I have learned that the hard way. We are all wired a certain way and no matter what you tell yourself, it's not going to change. Especially when most guys have a hard time explaining anything when they don't see something "wrong" with it,.
We all deserve to have someone value us, understand us, and treat us the way we want to be treated. We deserve to be heard and date people with like-minds. I think that it is very important. The next time I meet someone that is friends with an Ex - I will make sure I delete that number.
Kenny
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