Boundaries. Literally, a damn struggle! People talk about "setting boundaries" all the time, but what does that actually mean? "Boundaries are the separations that humans need—mentally, emotionally, and physically—to feel safe, valued, and respected." Ultimately, boundaries speak to what we identify as making us comfortable or uncomfortable. Another crucial—but difficult—part of setting boundaries involves learning how to say "no" to others. Also, with boundaries, you must also communicate them to the people they involve, which is tough!
I swear it gets harder as we get older too. As life goes on, we have more responsibilities, more things to do, and it makes it that much more critical to be diligent with our time. It's precious, and how we spend it is important and has an effect on us.
It's so easy to divert to the same typical route and same routine - even though that might not be best. We also have to set them in all aspects of life; work, family, friends, relationships.
I've struggled with all of them. With work - you want to be a yes man to an extent and the best job you can, but when is it too much? When you are constantly stressed, working late, having dreams about projects, waking up early to work, and then all you can talk about outside of work is - work. UGH. It was not good. Finally, I set boundaries, between these times I work, and before or after that I don't check anything. It was REALLY hard at first. But, after a few weeks of doing it, I was SO much happier, I felt like I had my personal time back and I wasn't owned by something else. I was sleeping better, less stressed, and work still went on. Boundaries.
With friends, I would say yes to please them, even if it wasn't something I wanted to do. I also would feel taken advantage of in certain situations and plans, and that was also because I said yes to something, or didn't say anything at all - you know we want to keep the peace. Not be uncool. Not cause drama. Whatever gaslighting bullshit people would say. Finally, I learned to say 'no'. I don't want to do that, I don't to go there, can you split this with me or can't this person drive since she's pregnant and I want to drink? It's definitely still a work in progress, but it has gotten better. And you wind up distancing from some people, spending more time with yourself, and you ultimatley feel better. Now, when you choose to do something with a friend, you are like, YES.
With family, I also had to set boundaries. My family lives on the east coast, so when I would visit from LA, I would feel like I was pulled in so many different directions. My mom would make me feel like I didn't spend enough time with her. Friends would change plans or make it difficult to meet up. I finally learned I needed boundaries. The past few times I went home, I would make plans in advance with friends and family I wanted to see. I would even let everyone know what days I am seeing who, the times and what I am doing. The first time I even made a Google Sheet and shared it! A bit much maybe, but it worked. I had no guilt from anyone and it worked out perfectly.
With relationships, if you read my past posts, I have learned a lot, and now know to make time for myself. Compromise when needed, but ultimately, the boundaries I need with my partner are non-negotiables. I need time and energy to do what I need to do to accomplish my goals - and also just time for me. The 'relationship' does not come first, I do. Nothing I am doing should be put on the back burner for my relationship. Since, honestly, they come and go. Until that special one, hopefully.
I am still learning to place and enforce these boundaries. People will CONSTANTLY test you on your boundaries as well. Yet when I do set them, it totally makes a difference. They help me not feel taken advantage of. And while maintaining boundaries can be difficult, I have learned to prioritize my own voice and needs.
Set those boundaries!
Kenny
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